I have spent my life giving so much of myself to the wrong-ass people. And let’s be honest, so many of us do this. We may feel like our “picker” (state of the art man picking mechanism) is just screwed. Sometimes it stems from self-esteem issues. Sometimes it stems from being raised to tolerate high levels of bad behavior, or even thinking that the chaos and pain that comes from toxic relationships is actually a sign of love. All of these things influence your choices in partners.
Personally, I don’t ever remember looking for the right things in men when I started dating. I would look for attention, validation and a chase, instead of good character and someone who could actually love me. At the time, even if I found a good guy, I would have rejected this love. Because—as you always hear, we only accept the love we think we deserve.
It wasn’t until a relationship left me couch surfing, carless, moneyless and hopeless, that I spent two years focusing on myself, my work, and most importantly, GOD. I threw my whole heart into Him, because honestly, I didn’t have any choice but to lean in. I reclaimed my identity and figured out who I was and wanted to be. Through the process, I finally realized what it is that I deserve. Before this I would think maybe I was too “screwed up” to find a truly good man who would really love me. Because wouldn’t those men want someone who is healthy and complete and just as perfect as they were? I also thought, maybe it was never possible for me because I sometimes struggle with anxiety, self-doubt and feeling good enough. Or that maybe growing up in a dysfunctional household and the path I took during my entire 20s made me undesirable. This was all in my head.
One day, I finally heard God’s voice: I am enough. I am not broken, I am redeemed. My perspective immediately changed. I finally could see that NO ONE IS PERFECT, so why was I holding myself to such an impossible standard? I had adopted the wrong voice into my head and accepted it as truth. All these things I was telling myself were lies. If ANYONE deserves a great partner, it’s me! I knew that a truly good man would love me and everything that came along with me. I started to look at myself in a new light.
You may be reading this and think you have faults and baggage that hold you back from finding someone truly great for you. But guess what, every person on this planet has issues. Put your best foot forward every day and work on healing and shut out those voices in your head that aren’t true! As soon as I did this, I noticed a shift in my life. Good things started flowing. I started taking care of myself better, setting better boundaries, attaining the goals I had always dreamed of.
And guess what? A couple weeks later I met the best man I have ever known (besides Jesus, duh). I thought to myself, I have never dated a guy like this. He was not “my type” at all. He was shy, patient, kind, gentle, nerdy, funny and smart. And even more than that, I was unbelievably and undeniably attracted to him. It felt divine. For the first time in my life, I was giving something new a chance. Stable and available no longer scared me off. The more he showed of himself, the more I fell in love with. My picker was officially “fixed”. I no longer found unavailable qualities desirable. I now was falling in love with someone good for me.
So I’m here to speak from experience. If you dare to work on yourself first and get the relationship with yourself and God right, it opens the door to someone who wants to do right by you. He won’t be perfect because no one is. But he will be all in on growing with you and loving you unconditionally. Timing is everything and remember: One day you WILL find someone who loves everything about you and they will never stop.
